Things People Said: Courtroom Quotes

The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."

Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."

Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."

Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law)
"Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!

Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

Dog gets $12 Million

Go figure. Owner dies and leaves bulk of money to a dog but nothing to 2 of the grandchildren. What's the dog going to do with all that money??!!
Story below.

-----
Helmsley's Dog Gets $12 Million in Will
Wednesday August 29, 12:45 pm ET Helmsley Dog Gets $12 Million, but Real Estate Billionaire Leaves Nothing to 2 Grandchildren NEW YORK (AP) -- Leona Helmsley's dog will continue to live an opulent life, and then be buried alongside her in a mausoleum. But two of Helmsley's grandchildren got nothing from the late luxury hotelier and real estate billionaire's estate.

Helmsley left her beloved white Maltese, named Trouble, a $12 million trust fund, according to her will, which was made public Tuesday in surrogate court.

She also left millions for her brother, Alvin Rosenthal, who was named to care for Trouble in her absence, as well as two of four grandchildren from her late son Jay Panzirer -- so long as they visit their father's grave site once each calendar year.

Otherwise, she wrote, neither will get a penny of the $5 million she left for each.

Helmsley left nothing to two of Jay Panzirer's other children -- Craig and Meegan Panzirer -- for "reasons that are known to them," she wrote.

But no one made out better than Trouble, who once appeared in ads for the Helmsley Hotels, and lived up to her name by biting a housekeeper.

"I direct that when my dog, Trouble, dies, her remains shall be buried next to my remains in the Helmsley mausoleum," Helmsley wrote in her will.

The mausoleum, she ordered, must be "washed or steam-cleaned at least once a year." She left behind $3 million for the upkeep of her final resting place in Westchester County, where she is buried with her husband, Harry Helmsley.

She also left her chauffeur, Nicholas Celea, $100,000.

She ordered that cash from sales of the Helmsley's residences and belongings, reported to be worth billions, be sold and that the money be given to the Leona M. and Harry B. Helmsley Charitable Trust.

Her longtime spokesman, Howard Rubenstein, had no comment.

Helmsley died earlier this month at her Connecticut home. She became known as a symbol of 1980s greed and earned the nickname "the Queen of Mean" after her 1988 indictment and subsequent conviction for tax evasion. One employee had quoted her as snarling, "Only the little people pay taxes."

Reading Test

L-users

The following are excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton--

• Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
• AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
• Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the sytem wouldn't read word processing files from his old 5.25" diskettes. After trouble shooting for magnets and heat, failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labled the diskettes and then rolled them into a typewriter and typed the label.
• Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed photocopies of the floppies.
• A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppies back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was putting down the phone, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
• Another dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting the technician discovered the man was trying the fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and hitting the "send" key.
• Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local 'Egghead' "Yeah I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told 'Egghead' was a softwre store, the man said, "Oh I thought you meant go find a couple of geeks."
• Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard was no longer working. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removed each key and washed them individually.
• A Dell tech recived a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid" The tech explained that the computers "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
• An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer uwas plugged in, the tech asked her what happend when she pushed the power key, her response, "I pushed and pushed on the foot pedal and nothing happens" THe "foot pedal" turned out to be the computers mouse.
• Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happend when she hit the power switch, she asked, "what power switch?"

Tech Supports Nightmare (one of many)

"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Mm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

[OUCHh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.]
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

[Ahoy--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem.
I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.]
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the powercord
goes into it. Can you see that?"

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."

[pause] "Yes, it is."

[Mm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned
it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch
because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have
more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."

[muffled] "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."

[still muffled] "I can't reach."

"UHF hub. Well, can you see if it is?" [clear again] "No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-- it's because it's
dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]

Don't Argue with the Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."

How to Tick People Off

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    "DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
    "What?"
    "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

and my personal personal experience:
33. Send one audible after another (in a foreign language) when using Yahoo messenger.

Funny Newspaper Classifieds, Funny Signs, etc...

Funny Newspaper Classifieds

Funny Signs

English is our language. No Excetions!

Diet water: Half the calories of regular water, but with all of the taste!

For Restrooms, Go back towards your behind.

EMERGENCY TRAP

Please keep chair on position & Keep table cleaned after dying. Thanks for your corporation. (Some dying people are so messy and rude!)

You lady will push this button before leaving. Or ELSE!

Cola …. 350
Ginger Ale …. 350
Milk ….. 350
Flesh Juice ….. 400

Mmmmm. Flesh Juice!

Don’t let worries kill you. Let the church help.

Quit stealing our letters

Sliced children with broccoli, snow peas, carrots, water chestnuts. Just like Grandma used to make. Before she went to prison.

Hmm. I think she didn’t quite get the concept of Daylight Savings Time…

Funny Label about President George W. Bush

Things That Are Difficult To Say When Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool.
9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

websbest.net

New Advice:Don't Sit Up Straight

Stumbleupon is a neat site if you just want to see what's out in the internet world. Here's an article about Sitting up straight.. well actually it says Don't sit up straight. I remember when my mom would always say sit up straight or don't slouch..I guess back then it was more on proper posture. Nowadays... well.. I'll let you decide after you read the article..

New Advice: Don't Sit Up Straight

By Sara Goudarzi, LiveScience Staff Writer
posted: 28 November 2006 09:59 am ET

The longstanding advice to "sit up straight" has been turned on its head by a new study that suggests leaning back is a much better posture.

Researchers analyzed different postures and concluded that the strain of sitting upright for long hours is a perpetrator of chronic back problems.

Using a new form of magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), researchers studied 22 volunteers with no back pain history. The subjects assumed three different positions: slouching; sitting up straight at 90 degrees; and sitting back with a 135-degree posture-all while their spines were scanned.

"A 135-degree body-thigh sitting posture was demonstrated to be the best biomechanical sitting position, as opposed to a 90-degree posture, which most people consider normal," said study author, Waseem Amir Bashir, a researcher at the University of Alberta Hospital in Canada. "Sitting in a sound anatomic position is essential, since the strain put on the spine and its associated ligaments over time can lead to pain, deformity and chronic illness."

Back pain, according to the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke, is the most common cause of work-related disability in the United States. It costs Americans nearly $50 billion annually. Sitting appears to be a major cause of this ailment.

"We were not created to sit down for long hours, but somehow modern life requires the vast majority of the global population to work in a seated position," Bashir said. "This made our search for the optimal sitting position all the more important."here

When strain is placed on the spine, the spinal disks start to move and misalign. At a 90-degree sitting position, this movement was most prominent. The disks were least moved when subjects were sitting back at a 135-degree sitting position.

"We have to do something that is similar to the lying position," Bashir told LiveScience. Lying down in a relaxed position with your knees slightly bent is the best position that a person can be in, because it doesn't cause any stress on the ligaments, the thigh muscles as well as on the back.

Sitting on a chair that provides proper support, such as a slightly tilted back car seat, can mimic the relaxed supine position. Slouching caused a reduction in the spinal height which means that there was high rate of wear and tear in the lowest two spinal levels.

"This may be all that is necessary to prevent back pain, rather than trying to cure pain that has occurred over the long term due to bad postures," Bashir said.

The study was detailed today at the annual meeting of the Radiological Society of North America (RSNA).

More links found here at the bottom of the page.

Word of the Day for August 22, 2007

quiescent • \kwy-ESS-unt\ • adjective

*1 : marked by inactivity or repose : tranquilly at rest

2 : causing no trouble or symptoms

Example Sentence:

The storm was over, and the quiescent waters betrayed no sign of yesterday's turbulence.

Did you know?

"Quiescent" won't cause you any pain, and neither will its synonyms "latent," "dormant," and "potential," at least not immediately. All four words mean "not now showing signs of activity or existence." "Latent" usually applies to something that has not yet come forth but may emerge and develop, as in "a latent desire for success." "Dormant" implies a state of inactivity similar to sleep, as in "their passions lay dormant." "Potential" applies to what may or may not come to be. "A potential disaster" is a typical example. "Quiescent," which traces to the Latin "quiescere" (meaning "to become quiet" or "to rest"), often suggests a temporary cessation of activity, as in "a quiescent disease" or "a summer resort quiescent in wintertime."

*Indicates the sense illustrated in the example sentence.

Can you say "huge" dog?

Here's a picture Desa had sent via email a while back. big dog!!!!

Hand Jobs, the Arts

Jokes of the Day

Wife helps out the cop

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

BLIND JOKE OF THE DAY
Are the pilots flying blind?

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

BAR JOKE OF THE DAY
I'll trust you that you paid

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Crazy Smart Bird

Crazy Smart Bird | Funny Jokes at JibJab

Jokes of the Day

COMPUTER JOKE OF THE DAY

Redneck Computer Term -
Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

BLIND JOKE OF THE DAY

A Blind man visits the state of Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

BLONDE JOKE OF THE DAY

Why are you yelling that?
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Addendum to the Joys of being a Travel Consultant...

I'm sure you all have had situations where there's an emergency and you need to get the first available flight. Emergency being a death in the family, or a relative in the hospital. I've gotten several calls of this nature with is normal but there's a catch to this story.. here goes...

(again, the conversation/s below are after the usual greeting) Let me set the timeline.. for this, let's set it for today, August 10.

Them: "I need a flight to Manila. It's an emergency. my mother just passed away." Me: "ok ma'am. how soon did you want to leave? tonight? tomorrow?" Them: "Can you check Tuesday?" If it's an emergency... why wait for tuesday? they won't get there until Thursday morning.

Them: "I need fares for a group." Me: "How many people will there be?" Them: "TWO"

The Joys of being a Travel Consultant

Since I started working as a Travel Consultant (August 1992), I've encountered the different types of passengers. Since our agency deals mostly with trips to and from the Philippines, our customers are about 95% filipino. If I only had the time, I would have a compilation of the type of calls we get on a daily basis. So, with a sane mind and a sense of humor, here are some of the calls I've gotten over time (it's a wonder how I'm still sane after all these years).

After the typical "thank you for calling.... this is so and so.. how may I help you?", here are my experiences on what you hear from the other end or what I've encountered.

"Can I inform how much the ticket are for April?"

Me: "What date did you want to travel?" Them:"ok thank you" (I guess they heard, one moment please)

Me: "Ma'am, I would need the departure and return dates so I can check if it's available before I price the ticket". Them: "Check the 2nd week of August, Any day. The cheapest price." So, while talking the the customer I'm checking dates that fall on the weekdays (weekday being the cheaper fare) and I pick the dates and then give them the fares. Them:"oh I can't leave on that day, can you check the day before?" ... Now WHY on earth did they even say any day ...

Of course there are the ones who can't seem to decide when they want to leave. They ask prices for 4 or 5 sets of dates which range from the low season to the high season.. BUT.. they want the cheapest. Some think it's a flea market where you can bargain pricing and no matter how much you explain it to them, they just won't listen.

I've also gotten those calls where they ask the price, they're not too happy because it's a bit high. then there's dead silence. So I ask, Ma'am, are you still there? .. I get the "um.. yeah.. um.. " Ok, now she's tying up my line. So I politely say, "If you'd like, you can call me back when you've decided what you want?" Them: "so that's really the only price you can give me?" Me:"yes. and that's based on the dates you've given me" Them: "oh... really nothing cheaper than that?" .. ok now she's really not listening.. I was so tempted to say "Lady, what in "that's the best price i have for the date you requested" don't you understand?" But because I have to be nice, I bite my tongue and politely say that I have calls already lined up and need to take them and she just has to call me once she's decided. THEN and only then does she say ok, I'll call back. Whew.. what usually takes me 3 minutes. 5 tops if there are minor changes on a reservation took me 15 with this one.

Then there are the ones that ask you off the bat, "Are you filipino? Can we talk in Tagalog?".. because I was bilingual, I say.. "Yes Ma'am". This is what I don't get. They continue speaking English despite of the fact they had clearly asked if we could talk in Tagalog, but they are clearly having difficulty with English.

Everyone loves the seats that have the legroom on the plane. Most of the time these are what they call facility seats which is reserved until the actual day of the flight. They are usually the exit doors on the plane and the person they seat there must be capable of helping in the event of an emergency. Course, some passengers don't want to hear that explanation. As far as they are concerned, "I want that seat". So I go through the whole spiel about them having to call the airline and choose the seat they want because we don't have access to the seat map. What response do I get? "But I thought you are the airline?" (sigh) It's bite my tongue time!

Here are some of the classic ones. If you were to travel internationally, that would mean having to have your passport. It's a no brain-er. Now you may wonder why I'm even mentioning this... here's why.

Them:"Hi, I already purchased my ticket but I have to move my flight." Me:"What would be the reason for moving the date?" Them: "I just checked my passport and it had expired 6 months ago" Hello??!!! Shouldn't that be the first thing you check if you haven't used the passport in years?? Course after checking on the ticket they purchased and the restrictions the airline has set for them, they complain that the penalties are too much or they ask why they have to pay penalties. Nothing is free woman!. Course, if they had purchased their ticket with the airline online, they would have still had to pay penalties but you don't hear them complaining when they have to pay it.

Them:"Hi, I want to change the date on the ticket that I had purchased. My company said I didn't have enough vacation days". Me:"Ok, we can change that for you. There will be a penalty and a fare difference for the change" ..here goes...Them:"Why do I have to pay that? at this point you just want to scream.. Who would actually purchase the ticket without checking with their office first? ..sigh..

So as you can see, my days are always filled with calls like these. What patience can do for a person... lol.. those are a few that I remember but I'll blog the rest as I remember them.

Woman has pencil removed from head

BERLIN - After being plagued for 55 years with the torment of a pencil lodged in her head, a German woman has finally had it removed.

Margaret Wegner, now 59, was 4 years old when she fell while carrying the 3.15 inch-long pencil, which went through her cheek and into her brain.

"It bored right through the skin and disappeared into my head," Wegner told Germany's best-selling newspaper, Bild. "It hurt like crazy."

At the time the technology did not exist to safely remove the pencil, so Wegner had to live with it — and the chronic headaches and nosebleeds that it brought — for the next five-and-a-half decades.

But on Friday, Dr. Hans Behrbohm, an ear, nose and throat specialist at Berlin's Park-Klinik Weissensee, was able to use modern techniques to identify the exact location of the pencil so that he could accurately determine that the risks of removing it, and then take most of it out.

The operation was particularly difficult because of the way the pencil had shifted as Wegner grew, Behrbohm told The Associated Press on Tuesday.

"This was something unique because the trauma was so old," said Behrbohm, who has also operated to remove bullets from the brains of shooting victims, and glass from the brains of people involved in car accidents.

Though a 0.79-inch piece of the pencil could not be removed, Behrbohm said it does not present a danger.

And now Wegner, the wife of German boxing coach Ulli Wegner, will no longer have the headaches and nosebleeds, and her sense of smell should also return soon, Behrbohm said.

"She shouldn't suffer any longer," he said.

Everyone loves Garfield

Garfield is always fun. Whenever I'm online and John's online to, he sends me the links to the Garfield comics strip. I thought I'd share a few...

US cat 'predicts patient deaths'

Oscar meows in protest if removed from the room of a dying patient

A US cat that is reportedly able to sense when a nursing home's residents are about to die is baffling doctors.

Oscar has a habit of curling up next to patients at the home in Providence, Rhode Island, in their final hours.

According to the author of an article in the New England Journal of Medicine, the two-year-old cat has been observed to be correct in 25 cases so far.

Staff now alert the families of residents when he sits down next to their ailing loved one.

"He doesn't make many mistakes. He seems to understand when patients are about to die," David Dosa, a professor at Brown University who carried out the research, told the Associated Press news agency.

'Premonitions'

Oscar was adopted as a kitten at Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Centre.

Cats often can sense when their owners are sick or when another animal is sick Thomas Graves, feline expert

The cat is said to do his own rounds, just like the doctors and nurses at the home, but is not generally friendly to patients.

Although most families are grateful for the warning Oscar seems to provide, some relatives ask that the pet be taken away while they say their last goodbyes to their loved ones.

When put outside the room, Oscar is said to pace up and down meowing in protest.

Thomas Graves, a feline expert from the University of Illinois, told the BBC: "Cats often can sense when their owners are sick or when another animal is sick.

"They can sense when the weather will change, they're famous for being sensitive to premonitions of earthquakes."

A doctor who treats patients at the home said she believed there was probably a biochemical explanation, rather than the cat being psychic.

Source:

The Stupid Sign

The Blue Collar Comedy show which consists of Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, Larry the Cable Guy and Ron White. I've seen several of their shows that I thought I'd share some of "Here's Your Sign" of Bill Engvall.

"Engvall has been performing his "Here's your sign" routine in comedy clubs for many a year, and in 1997 he produced a comedy record of that name. That same year he teamed with singer Travis Tritt on a video entitled "Here’s Your Sign," which featured Tritt's vocals over Engvall's spoken-word comedy. It went on to become the best-selling comedy single of the year and, more impressively, finished No. 3 among all country singles." (Source: snopes.com)

Here are some of them...

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid."
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.
It would be like, "Excuse me... oops... never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a
U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."


A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock,
I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes,
"Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.
There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it.
"Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good...
They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."


Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?"
I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right
up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car
around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car,
reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!"
See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know,
I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out,
no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report.
He went through his basic questioning... okay... no problem.
I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?"
I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said,
"No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?"
I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today?

The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.