Computer Stupidities....

Here are some stories I found stumbling around the net... enjoy the paranoia!!!

Computer Stupidities: Paranoia

• Customer: "I had an important document that was password protected, and I can't get in it. I don't know the password."
• Tech Support: "Ok, we do have a program the get passwords from Word documents. Can you email me the document?"
• Customer: "No, it is very sensitive. That's why it was password protected. I won't even keep the file on the server. I keep it secure on a floppy."
• Tech Support: "It would be much safer if you kept it on the server. Floppies are easily corrupted. At least on the server it would be backed up each night."
• Customer: "That is exactly what I don't want to happen. For legal reasons, I don't want any copies of this file. I want you to come down here and get the password for me."
• Tech Support: "I'm not in the same office as you are, so I'll need to send someone there to your desk to help you out."
• Customer: "Have them call ahead first so I can get security here when they are work with the file."
• Tech Support: "Security? Sir, We sign a non-disclosure agreement, so that won't be necessary."
• Customer: "Yes, it will be necessary! This is a very important and sensitive document, and we don't want anyone touching it without some security."
• Tech Support: "Ok, that's fine. I'll let them know to bring the password software so they can get the password you forgot."
• Customer: "I didn't forget it!"
• Tech Support: "Excuse me?"
• Customer: "I didn't have to remember it."
• Tech Support: "What do you mean?"
• Customer: "The password was written on a yellow post-it note attached to the disk and must had fallen off. It has be somewhere on my desk, but there are so many papers here I can't find it!"

I had to mute the phone so they wouldn't hear me laughing.

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I work as a computer tech at a community college. Most of our computers are currently running Windows 95. One day, an officer from our security department stopped by to talk to me. His face looked grim. He pulled me quietly aside.

• Officer: "We have a new part time person working in our office who uses the computer, and I have to ask you something, but you need to keep this confidential."
• Me: "Ok, what's the problem?"
• Officer: "Well, over the past two or three days I've glanced over at the new person's computer, and several times I've seen a message that says 'You have performed an illegal operation,' but he keeps clearing it by clicking something. I need to find out what he's doing wrong and if we should call the local police."

He looked so scared and serious, I had a hard time containing my laughter.

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I've done my time in tech support and have managed to live through some very weird calls, but this one was the best. An older lady bought a brand new desktop system with all the extras and had been using it for about a month when she got an error about an "illegal function." She took apart the whole system down to the hard drive and hid it in different parts of her house, called us, and wanted to know how much longer she had until the police were going to come get her. Needless to say, we spent a lot of time on the phone putting the system back together.

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• Tech Support: "May I have your phone number, sir?"
• Customer: "I don't give out my phone number!"
• Tech Support: "All right. How may I help you, sir?"
• Customer: "How much for your Internet service?"

I gave him the prices.

• Customer: "If I own the software why do you keep charging for it?"
• Tech Support: "Well, sir, the software is free, but you are charged for being online."
• Customer: "YOU CONNECT YOUR COMPUTER TO THE PHONE LINE?!?"
• Tech Support: "Well, sir, you do use a modem to dial online."
• Customer: "I WILL NEVER HOOK MY COMPUTER TO MY PHONE!!!!" (click)

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Back in the beginning af the 90s I worked as a technician in an university, and my job was to keep the PCs and Macs at the department connected to the university network. At this time, the network cabling was a coaxial cable in each floor in the building, terminated in both ends, and the computers were connected to this cable by using a T-connector directly at the main coaxial cable. This also meant that when we cut the cable to hook up a new computer, the computers at the other end lost the connection to the network.

One day, more than three quarters of the computers lost their connection, and the telephone went red from angry employees not being able to print. After a lot of work, we found the problem. One of the professors, convinced that this computer network was a threat to his health, had cut the coaxial cable and removed the part of it that was running through his office. We were not able to convince him that there was no harm in having the cable there, so altered the cabling so it wouldn't run through his office. Afterward, the professor was angry that he was not able to use the big laserjet printers that everybody else used.

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• Customer: "Well, I just want to know if I load this disk into my computer, won't other people be able to get into my computer and access everything I have in there?"
• Tech Support: "No, that's not possible."
• Customer: "You see it on the TV all the time."

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I know a woman that believes there is a hacker attacking her computer. Every time there is a problem, or she gets an error message she is convinced it is "the hacker" messing with her. Almost every day she tells me "The hacker made me lose my document" or "The hacker made my email return with a wrong address message" or "The hacker made Explorer freeze today" or "The hacker made Napster lose its connection today" or "The hacker made a floppy unreadable" or "The hacker made the printer jam."

She has even assumed her imaginary enemy has superhuman powers. When I tell her some of the things she says are impossible to do, she says, "He knows how to do it. He is a genius."

She is sure this guy exists, and he devotes enormous resources and several hours a day, seven days a week to the sole purpose of bothering her.

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Customer: "I think I've broken my computer! There's a message across the screen that says: 'It is now safe to turn off your PC.' WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!"

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A customer called saying he was getting an error in Windows 95. He told me what the error was, and I recognized this as a typical error that occurs after installing MS Office 97.

• Tech Support: "Sir, did you just install Office 97?"
• Customer: "YOU'RE IN MY COMPUTER, AREN'T YOU?????" (click)