Jokes

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
----
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
----
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir," came the reply, "it's fresh ground."
----
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.
----
How can you recognize a burned-out hippie?
He used to take acid, now he takes antacid.
----
How do you get five hundred cows in a barn?
Put up a "Bingo" sign.
----
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the
other is used to carry groceries.
----
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.
----
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their
right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly,
points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
----
One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut
up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he
went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he
met a policeman.
The policeman said, "What is your name?"
"Shut up!"
The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?"
"Yes!"
The policeman fumed, "Where are your manners?"
"In the toilet."
----
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
Fu decided to return to China.

Good Luck Superstitions

Of course, we can't just post the bad luck ones. We have to counter it with the 'goodluck' ones. Here goes...

Category Good Luck Superstitions
Good Luck: Fingers Crossed - By making the sign of the Christian faith with our fingers, evil spirits would be prevented from destroying our chances of good fortune.

Good Luck: Knock on Wood - It was believed that good spirits lived in trees, and that by knocking on anything made from wood, we could call upon these spirits for protection against misfortune.

Good Luck: Saying God Bless You When Somebody Sneezes. When the great plague swept Europe., sufferers began sneezing violently which was a sign of death. The Pope therefore passed a law requiring people to bless the sneezer. At the same time, it was expected that anybody sneezing would cover their mouth with a cloth or their hand. This was obviously to stop the spreading of the disease, but many believed that it was to keep the soul intact. Sneezing 'into the air' would allow the soul to escape and death would be imminent. Up until this time, the opposite was true. Those who sneezed were congratulated, as it was believed that a violent sneeze would expel evil from their bodies.

Good Luck: A robin flying into the house.
Good Luck: Sneezing 3 times before breakfast.
Good Luck: Meeting 3 sheep.
Good Luck: Looking at the new moon over your right shoulder.
Good Luck: A 4-leaf clover.
Good Luck: Spilling wine while proposing a toast.
Good Luck: Putting a dress on inside out.
Good Luck: 9 peas in a pea pod.
Good Luck: Hearing crickets singing.
Good Luck: Picking up a pin Dropping a glove.
Good Luck: A horseshoe Peacock feathers.
Good Luck: Cutting your hair during a storm.
Good Luck: Sleeping facing south.
Good Luck: Picking up a pencil in the street.
Good Luck: Breaking clear and uncolored glass.
Good Luck: Walking in the rain.
Good Luck: Sleeping on un-ironed sheets.
Good Luck: Avoiding cracks in the sidewalk.
Good Luck: An itch on the top of your head.
Good Luck: Scissors hanging an a hook.
Good Luck: A ladybug on you.
Good Luck: Carrying an acorn on your person will ensure good luck & longevity!

Good Luck: To find a four-leaf clover means immense good luck, so keep it safe, if you lose it

Good Luck: To pick up a piece of coal that has fallen in your path.

Good Luck : To have one's garments caught up by a bush or briar when out walking is a promise of good luck, involving monetary gain.

Good Luck: New enterprises will be fortunate if begun at the time of the new moon.

Good Luck: If by chance you meet the same person twice when you are out on business. It is even luckier if you encounter him once when you are setting out and again when you are returning.

Good Luck: Dolphins swimming nearby a ship.
Good Luck: A naked woman on board a boat is said to calm the seas.

Good Luck: Golfers can have a successful day on the course if they start their round with odd numbered clubs and don't use balls with numbers higher than 4

Good Luck: To set out for golfing on a rainy day

See a penny, pick it up; all day long you will have good luck.

Bad Luck Superstitions

Since Halloween is just around the corner, I thought this to be a fitting post.

Category Bad Luck superstitions

Bad Luck: A bat flying into the house
Bad Luck: An owl hooting 3 times
Bad Luck: 3 butterflies together
Bad Luck: Looking at the new moon over your left shoulder
Bad Luck: A 5-leaf clover
Bad Luck: Breaking a glass while proposing a toast
Bad Luck: Putting a shirt on inside out
Bad Luck: Red and white flowers together
Bad Luck: Hearing a rooster crow at night
Bad Luck: Cutting your nails on a Friday
Bad Luck: Putting a hat on a bed
Bad Luck: Getting out of bed left foot first
Bad Luck: Violets blooming out of season
Bad Luck: A picture falling
Bad Luck: Breaking a mirror
Bad Luck: Singing before breakfast
Bad Luck: Opening an umbrella indoors
Bad Luck: Giving away a wedding present
Bad Luck: Stepping on cracks in the sidewalk
Bad Luck: An itch inside your nose
Bad Luck: Crossed knives
Bad Luck: seeing an owl during daylight

Bad Luck: If a dog suddenly barks for no apparent reason in a house that has a sick person then

Bad Luck: You must wear new clothes at Easter or you will have bad luck
Bad Luck: Breaking a mirror means 7 years of bad luck, unless you take the pieces outside & bury them in moonlight. Also, an undisturbed mirror in a house suddenly fall & smashes then it means that there will soon be a death.

Bad Luck: If pepper is spilt, then you will have a serious argument with a friend.

Bad Luck: Sparrows are said to carry the souls of the deceased to the after-life. To kill one means that you will be cursed.

Bad Luck: It is extremely unlucky to open an umbrella inside a house.

Bad Luck: If a groom drops the ring during the ceremony then the marriage is doomed to failure.

Bad Luck: Breaking a plate, especially if it had not already been cracked.

Bad Luck: To see the new moon for the first time through glass. Upon seeing the new moon you should turn whatever silver you have in your pockets or handbag, and thus ensure prosperity for a month.

Bad Luck: The blossom must never be cut from the tree and brought into the house before May 1, or ill fortune will attend you.

Bad Luck: Never mend a garment while you are wearing it, or misfortune will follow.

Bad Luck: If you fasten a button into the wrong buttonhole.
Bad Luck: if a candle falls over.
Bad Luck: For a golfer to borrow your partners umbrella.
Bad Luck: Throwing stones into the sea cause bad luck.
Bad Luck: Starting a cruise on a Friday.
Bad Luck: Stepping on board a ship with your left foot.

Bad Luck: If a person stumbles when leaving his house at the beginning of a journey, or trips or stumbles more than once during the course of the journey, it is advisable to postpone it.

Bad Luck: To pass anyone on the staircase.
Bad Luck: New shoes should never be left on a table

Bad Luck: To put on the left shoe before the right, and it is worse still to put the right shoe on the left foot, or vice versa.

Halloween Superstitions

Being that Halloween is around the corner, here are some old superstitions. Happy Reading!

Category Halloween Superstitions:

If you hear foot steps behind you on this night, don't look back. It may be the dead following you. Turning back could mean that you will soon join the dead.

Girls who carry a lamp to a spring of water on this night can see their future husband in the reflection.

Girls who carry a broken egg in a glass to a spring of water (during the day) can not only see their future husband by mixing some of the spring water into the glass, but she can also see a glimpse of her future children.

To find out of your lover is true. select one of the letters which you have received from your sweetheart, especially one which contains a particularly passionate and important declaration; lay it wide open upon a table and then fold it nine times. Pin the folds together, place the letter in your left-hand glove, and slip it under your pillow. If on that night you dream of silver, gems, glass, castles or clear water, your lover is true and his declarations are genuine; if you dream of linen, storms, fire, wood, flowers, or he is saluting you, he is false and has been deceiving you.

Halloween derives its name from the fact that in the Christian calendar it occurs the day before 'All Saints' or All Hallows' Day. It was the last night of the old year according to the ancient calendar of the Celts. On that night it was said that the witches, hobgoblins, warlocks, and other evil spirits walked abroad and devoted themselves to wicked revels. But the good fairies, too, according to some folklore, made their appearance at this time, but only from the hour of dusk until midnight.

If a bat flies into a house it is a sign that ghosts are about and maybe the ghost let the bat in.
If bats come out early and fly around playfully, then it is a sign of good weather to come.
If a bat flies around a house 3 times, it is a death omen.

Peel an apple from top to bottom. The person with the longest unbroken peel would be assured the longest life. If you threw the apple peel over your shoulder, the initial it forms upon landing is the initial of your future mate.

When bobbing for apples, it is believed that the first person to bite an apple would be the first to marry.

If you go to a crossroads at Halloween and listen to the wind, you will learn all the most important things that will befall you during the next twelve months.

A person born on Halloween can see and talk to spirits

To prevent ghosts coming into the house at Halloween, bury animal bones or a picture of an animal near the doorway.

If a girl puts a sprig of rosemary herb and a silver sixpence under her pillow on Halloween night, she will see her future husband in a dream.

In Britain, people believed that the Devil was a nut-gatherer. At Halloween, nuts were used as magic charms.

Many people used to believe that owls swooped down to to eat the souls of the dying. If they heard an owl hooting, they would become frightened. A common remedy was thought to be, turning your pockets inside out and you would be safe

Some believe if you catch a snail on Halloween night and lock it into a flat dish, in the morning you will see the first letter of your sweetheart written in the snail's slime.

You should walk around your home three times backwards and counterclockwise before sunset on Halloween to ward off evil spirits.

Knocking on wood keeps bad luck away.

If you see a spider on Halloween, it could be the spirit of a dead loved one who is watching you.

If you ring a bell on Halloween, it will scare evil spirits away.

In North America, it's bad luck if a black cat crosses your path and good luck if a white cat crosses your path. In Britain and Ireland, it's the opposite.

If a candle flame suddenly turns blue, there's a ghost nearby.

Email Wonderland

With Christmas fast approaching, I thought I'd post this one for all of you

EMAIL WONDERLAND
(To the tune of Winter Wonderland)

Another "ping,"
Are you listenin'?
The puter screen,
Is a glistenin'.
With icons so bright,
They light up the night,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

Gone away,
Are the hall talks.
Here to stay,
Is the IN-BOX.
Flagged "urgent, please read!",
And "answer with speed!".
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up.
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can't do your job if it goes down.

10 P.M.,
You're not tired.
The caffeine,
Has got you wired.
The day's not complete,
Till the last delete,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up,
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can't do your job if it goes down.

Until you,
Are retired,
The same old grind,
It is required.
You'll face unafraid,
That message parade.
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

You're Addicted to your computer if....

* Your wife wants a diamond for her birthday, and you get her a Diamond Stealth Video Card.

* You know what PPP, SLIP, HTML & FTP mean...but darned if you can remember your wife's maiden name.

* You sit in front of the TV trying to type at a keyboard.

* You find out that hemorrhoids aren't THAT painful, as long as you're on the 'Net.

* When someone yells out "What's for supper?" you do a search for SUPPER.COM.

* You suspect there's a virus in your mashed potatoes.

* If you smoke away from the machine, you notice that the breaks are getting shorter and less frequent.

* The optometrist looks deep in your eyes, and sees a screen saver.

* You finally save up enough to visit the Grand Canyon, and you can't help but wonder how it would look on a 21" SVGA.

* "Not tonight, I have a headache" has been replaced with "Not tonight, I finally got connected."

* Your computer room has a better air conditioner than your bedroom.

* You wonder if you can install your own fiber optics telephone line to your server.

* You speak of "Your Server" with the same reverence you used to reserve for your Doctor.

* You never met the guy, but you've already decided on a plan to assassinate Bill Gates.

* You comment, while watching a sunset, that the image would be enhanced with 10% more magenta and a higher resolution.

* When someone tells you about a great new program and you're very disappointed to find that it's on TV.

* If while driving down the street, you are confused by the numbers on the houses - they do not appear to be legitimate WWW addresses.

* When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.

* When you start using phrases like: Hungry.must-eat.food.now@home.com.

* If you call in sick because you found a great new WWW site.

* If you can type your top 10 favorite Web sites, by heart.

* If your fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours.

* If your net provider suggests you try a competitor, because you're exceeding 300 hours a month connect time.

* If on the way home from work, you use your portable and cellular phone in your car, to reprogram a Tomahawk missile, in flight, and redirect it to take out the joker in the Cadillac who cut you off.

* When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.

* If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window.

* You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

* You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

* Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

* You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

* Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

* You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

* Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

* All of your friends have an @ in their names.

* When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

* Your dog has its own home page.

* Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

* You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

* Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.

*You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.

* You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

* Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

* You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."

* You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

* The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

* You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

* Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

* You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

* You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

* You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

* You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

* You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

* You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.

* You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

* When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.

* You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen names and you never bothered to ask.

* You move into a new house and you decide to Netscape before you landscape.

* Your family always knows where you are.

* In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL"

* After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

Everything has a gender

Ziploc Bags are Male - they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female - once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male - it goes bald and it is often over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male - to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it (of course, there's the hot air part, too).

Sponges are Female - they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female - it is always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male - it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female - over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male - it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it is handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

A Water Faucet is Female - it can turn hot or cold in just a matter of moments.

A Safety Pin is Male - it is often useful in an emergency.

A Foreign Movie is Female - it is not always completely understood.

A Computer is Female - even your smallest mistakes are stored in memory.

Actual Signs.... yes, these are real.

At a tailor shop: We give our customers the lowest prices and workmanship

On a septic tank business: "We're #1 in the #2 business" (thanks to Scott)

At a photo studio: "Have your kids shot while you wait!" (thanks to John)

In a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." (thanks to John)

In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

At a teriyaki restaurant: "$3.99 Chicken Bowel!"

In a Vermont men's store: "25 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ears pierced"

In a Mall: "Ears pierced, while you wait"

In a New Jersey store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

Seen on a Taco Bell sign in Coralville, Iowa: "Everyday low value"

In a Maine restaurant: "At your service: Open 7 days a week and weekends."

On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."

In the vestry of a Westminster church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In an Ohio cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

In Vancouver, British Columbia, on a folding sign in front of a small language school: "English Tootering"

On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

In a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

Men vs Women

Handwriting:

Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "b" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.


Groceries:

Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.

Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.


Relationships:

Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.


Sex:

Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.


Maturity:

Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.

Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.


Magazines:

Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.

Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.


Bathrooms:

Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.


Shoes:

Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.


Children:

Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


Dressing Up:

Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.


Laundry:

Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.

Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style."


Eating Out:

Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.


Mirrors:

Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.


Menopause:

Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.


The Phone:

Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.


Toys:

Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.


Cameras:

Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.

Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Computer Help Desk Calls

User's new notebook PC has a wireless network card. He loves it - for a day or so, until the battery goes dead. "Did you plug it into a power outlet to charge it?" asks systems administrator. "No," says sales guy impatiently. "It's wireless, why would I?"

Accounting department reports that the backup tape for a server won't stay in. Tech geek tries, and runs a backup without a problem - but the next day the complaint is back. "We asked them to show us the problem, but they were too busy to stop and work with us," tech says. "This went on for weeks until accounting submitted a purchase order to hire a consultant. He came out and watched as our accountant inserted a cleaning tape into the drive - and a few seconds later it popped out. Consultant made a big label that said CLEANING TAPE, explained to the accountant that she needs to back up her data on one of the tapes that does not say CLEANING TAPE on it, and billed us $150."

Help desk worker gets a puzzling question from a user: Can she send e-mail to a company in the U.K.? She explained that she tried to e-mail some people in the U.K. and the e-mail came back. She was under the impression that e-mail was like the phone system, and since she couldn't make an international call, she couldn't send an international e-mail."

I can't connect with the network, remote user tells help desk. "After several minutes of troubleshooting, it was clear that the problem was the user's modem, which basically died," tech reports. Impatient user's next question: "Where can I download another modem?"

User's PC hard drive is damaged, but support tech manages to recover the files in key directories and copies them to a new drive. Still, user is furious: "Where the @#$%! are all my files?" “Where were the files that are missing now?” technician asks. "I used to save them in that cute can. I use those files a lot, and that icon says 'Recycle,' so I thought it was a good place to put the files that I reuse often."

Newly hired user to IT manager: "My mouse pad is missing. Do you have another?" No, but you can get an office supply catalog from purchasing, pick out one you like and have them order it. New hire leaves, only to return minutes later: "My boss says you have to order me a mouse pad. She says you're the only one who knows what kind is compatible with our system."

Power user creates an image of his signature to be added automatically to his outgoing e-mails. Other users see it and ask for his help creating their own. "One day, I get a message from a clueless user, asking to have a signature created for her e-mail." I replied back with mine showing, and asked her if she would like one similar to mine. Her reply? "No, I want my name on it."

Trouble ticket: "When my computer is turned on, the person sitting behind me gets shocked. My computer makes a buzzing noise, and then she yells. Please help." Support crewmember can't find the problem with the PC, but he does get an additional request from the user at the next desk back: "If you can't fix it, can you at least make it shock somebody else?"

User says: "My monitor did not pass the drop test during our department move. I would like to get another one."

New user calls support staff early one morning, complaining that his computer won't power up even though everything is plugged in just as it was the night before. Tech walks down to check it out, finds the user pressing the power button on his empty laptop docking station. Tech asks: "Where's the laptop?" User: "I left that at home. Do I need that to get on my computer here?"

Systems Admin is browsing among the digital cameras at a big discount store when he overhears another customer complaining about the cost of the digital film for her camera. "She said it was too expensive to keep buying memory cards because she filled them up so quickly." He explains to her that she can copy her pictures from the cards onto a computer, then erase the cards and reuse them. The customer is delighted for a moment, then she frowns and asks, "Now what am I going to do with those 25 extra cards?"

New employee complains to help desk that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not CAPS lock. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," says user. Those asterisks are to protect you, tech explains, so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password. "Yeah," user says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

Helpdesk: "What kind of computer do you have?" "A white one."

Customer: "Hi, this is Rose. I can't get my diskette out." Helpdesk: "Have you tried pushing the button?" Customer: "Yes, sure, it's really stuck." Helpdesk: "That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note." Customer: "No. Wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet. It’s still on my desk. Sorry."

Helpdesk: "Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen." Customer: "Your left or my left?"

Helpdesk: "Good day. How may I help you?" Male customer: "Hello, I can't print." Helpdesk: "Would you click on start for me." Customer: "Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, you know!"

Customer: "Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it."

Customer: "I have problems printing in red." Helpdesk: "Do you have a color printer?" Customer: "Ah. Thank you."

Customer: "My keyboard is not working anymore." Helpdesk: "Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?" Customer: "No. I can't get behind the computer." Helpdesk: "Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back." Customer: "Okay." Helpdesk: "Did the keyboard come with you?" Customer: "Yes." Helpdesk: "That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?" Customer: "Yes, there's another one here. Ah, that one works!"

Helpdesk: "Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'." Customer: "Is that '7' in capital letters?"

Customer: "I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!"

Helpdesk: "How may I help you?" Customer: "I'm writing my first e-mail." Helpdesk: "Okay, and what seems to be the problem?" Customer: "Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?"

No more floppy disks from home, Systems Administrator tells user whose PC keeps getting re-infected with viruses. A week goes by with no problems - then user's machine is infected again. Yes, she used a disk from home, user admits. "But I let the diskette sit on my desk for a whole week. Who knew that the virus could live that long?"

New computer room is state of the art, beautifully laid out and stuffed with useful tools for systems management. "But the feature we're all proudest of is the fact that the card-key reader to get in is located much lower on the wall than in the old room," says Systems Administrator who works there. "Nothing to do with accessibility requirements - the sys admins were around when the electricians were hooking it up, and we requested it that way. You just bang your butt up against it, with the access key still in your back pocket, and it clicks. A great time-saver."

Computer guy, getting ready to leave for a conference, requests a company laptop so he can stay in touch with e-mail while he's on the road. "Our department has four or five high-end laptops for visiting staff," says helpdesk, "so I figured this would not be a problem." Request denied, say the laptop keepers: "Our IT department policy is that company laptops cannot be taken out of the building."

After a chain e-mail makes the rounds at this company, Sys Admin sends e-mail to all users reminding them that this is against company policy, quoting from the employee handbook about appropriate e-mail use. But this Systems Administrator receives an extra copy with a directive at the top: "Please print and distribute to all those employees without e-mail access."

Working on the requirements for a new version of an order processing application, developer gets a very specific request from a user: "On the accounts receivable screen, I want the system to tell me when I have checks that I haven't deposited."

Help desk gets the call from a receptionist whose tab key on the keyboard isn't working. "I told her to shake the keyboard upside-down and tap one corner on the desk." No luck. "I then told her to pick up one end about two or three inches off the desk and drop it. Hearing a loud thud, I asked what she was doing. She said, 'I am dropping one side of the laptop they just got fixed for me yesterday."

This university has a new voice-mail system, and tech aide watches as a vendor rep trains staffers to use it. Rep: "The first time you use your mailbox, you'll be prompted to choose and enter your password using the phone's keypad." Support staffer: "Can it be letters and numbers?" Rep: "Well, sure." Staffer: "Is it case-sensitive?"

"When the air conditioning goes down, it gets hot in the server room - climbing to over 100 degrees. The infrastructure guys get the bright idea of opening the window - yes, this server room has a window - to cool off the room. Great idea, right? However, the lawn sprinklers go on causing two brand-new high-end servers to get wet and bringing an entire project team of over 30 people to a grinding halt.

A user calls the support desk and reports she's having trouble powering up her new laptop. She says the battery is good; she used it last night. The tech desk asks, "Is the laptop plugged in?" The user says, "How do I determine if it's plugged in?"

A user with a problem calls the help desk, saying "An error message just popped up. It's asking for me to hit OK or cancel. What should I do?" The tech rep says, "Click Cancel." The user promptly states, "Well, I already clicked OK!"

"I know you'll think I'm crazy, but Elvis keeps crashing my computer," this user tells help desk. And she's right - when she takes a CD-ROM out of the drive, Elvis starts singing. It was finally figured out: Apparently, she put an Elvis CD in the drive on top of another CD, and it got stuck on the plunger of the CD-ROM drive. When she took out a CD, Auto-run would start the audio CD (stuck on the plunger), and Elvis started singing!

User tells support tech that she knocked a key off her laptop. She replaced it, but now it won't work. Tech asks, "is the key loose?" "Not now," user replies. "It was loose, but I fixed it. I used super glue."

Phone system administrator reports a problem to vendor: He can't connect to the system remotely for monitoring and maintenance. Help desk: "Fine; a technician will remote into your system and fix the problem." Admin: "But I'm reporting that we can't remote in." Help desk: "Yes, that's on the ticket. I'll give it to the tech and he'll remote into your system and fix the problem."

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

A manufacturer generates bar codes for different departments, and though no two formats are alike, they all get done, until one manager's sample bar code doesn't scan. "Even our best scanner beeped back an error," tech says. So he calls the manager, who admits he created it with a drawing program. "We don't really use bar codes," he confides. "We just thought it would look professional."

Employees who travel are literally destroying their laptops, technician says. So when one vendor rep says his laptop can be thrown to the floor without damage - "try it," he says - tech is impressed and asks the agency head to come see. "The head guy walks into this office without a word, picks up the laptop and slams it to the floor, just as my assistant informs him we are in the office next door."

IT tech rep sends a report to several accountants in two parts - he has to break it up because it's bigger than the 1,500KB size limit on attachments. But one user says that's unnecessary. "Quit sending me kilobyte files", she says. "Send megabytes. The file will only be 1.5MB - much smaller than the 1,500 system limit."

A lady was putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

"Everything on my laptop is turning blue," user complains. Support rep hustles to the scene and finds user has attached the laptop to a video projector. The wall you're using as a projection screen is painted light blue, support rep patiently points out. "I know that!" user snaps. "I'm not stupid. Just fix the thing so it projects white!"

Layoffs are coming, so an insurance company ranked all employees for future termination. "To maintain secrecy, they shredded the printed spreadsheets with the ratings," says an employee. "Unfortunately, the spreadsheets were printed in landscape mode, so the shredder blades separated each employee and rating, by name, on his own strip of paper. After I came across them in the recycling bin, I knew each person's rating - all 126 of them."

An individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

A user's PC is flickering and rebooting. It checks out fine for support tech assistant so he tells the user, "Do what you normally do." She sits down and goes to work - and the system soon reboots. "The fourth time, I noticed she was tapping her foot to the music on the radio", tech says. "Her foot was hitting the power strip on/off switch just enough to cause the system to reboot."

Important HR reports must be shredded - they have confidential data, boss tells IT rep. Since most of these reports are just for reference, why not just save the printing and keep them on disk? rep suggests. "No, they must be shredded," boss insists. Well, why don't we hook the shredder to the back of the printer for the unnecessary reports? rep jokes. "Sounds great!" says the boss. "How much will it cost?"

A distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just the remote 'thingy'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries as it's a long walk."

It's a tech's first day on the job as a quality control analyst in the operations center. She boots up her workstation, and the splash screen proclaims the department's slogan: "Comitted to Excellence." She points out the misspelling to her boss. "Yeah," boss says, "it's close enough. Everybody knows what they mean."

When this executive's PC stops working, support tech patiently explains that the executive really shouldn't have deleted critical Windows system files. But a week later, it happens again. And when tech asks why, executive explains, "Oh, I needed to make room for some big spreadsheets, and my files are much more important than those. Why doesn't the computer still work?"

This Army hospital commander likes voice-recognition software for dictating notes, so he assigns three IT staffers to get it working. "One was from India, one from the Far East and one, though born in the United States, had a strong Southern accent," reports support crew member. "They took turns reading the training paragraphs to the system. For some reason, it never worked right."

For two years, this company's purchasing agent has bought printer supplies from the same outfit: Tech rep says "the prices are high, a third of the refurbished toner cartridges are no good, and she never sends them in for credit." So tech finds a better, cheaper supplier and management declares to be the preferred provider. So why are invoices still coming in from the old outfit? Purchasing agent admits it's because she likes the candy the first supplier sends with each order. "For this invoice alone, that bag of candy cost us an additional $204."

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now.." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. "What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter i?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

User calls the help desk to ask if something is wrong with the mail server. "My e-mails are coming in with next week's date. This is March 31, isn't it?" No, says tech support, it's April 7. That's when the user realized she forgot to change her calendar.

Network techs at this manufacturer are surprised when they get a poor evaluation - the networks are running fine with few user complaints. "That's the problem," says IT guy. "Their metric is how many trouble tickets they resolve and how quickly." So techs take to randomly unplugging a hub, waiting for trouble tickets to come in, then restarting the hub. Rep says, "They were rated 'excellent' on their next review."

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?" 2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

IT guy is fed up with executives who say they need the latest technology, so he comes up with an idea. "Every six months, we have people turn in their laptops for a technology refresh," he says. "Their laptop cases and keyboards are cleaned and fitted with new, upgraded "Intel" stickers. They love their "new" laptops, and never catch on that all they get are new stickers. And this frees up considerable budget for users who actually do need the power but who are too far down the ladder to actually get it."

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old 5 1/4" diskettes. The customer had stuck labels on the diskettes, then rolled them into his typewriter to type on the labels.

Support rep gets a call from a user whose new PC is shutting down at random. User suggests the cause might be a virus-laden e-mail but then mentions that the monitor, printer and fax machine are shutting down, too. Are they all plugged into the same power strip? rep asks. "Yes, but that couldn't be it," user says. "I've had that for years."

Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

"The bottom half of all my printouts are blurry," user complains to support crew. He orders a replacement drum for the printer, but it doesn't help. Neither does a new printer. So he goes to her desk and asks her to print something. As the paper starts to emerge, she yanks it out of the printer and says, "See what I mean? Look at the bottom of this printout!"

A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

Boss's fast new CD burner needs the right media, so tech assistant asks the office secretary to order some recordable CDs rated at 40X. "Imagine my surprise later in the day," assistant groans, "to hear the water-cooler discussion about my trying to acquire 40 X-rated CDs for my department!"

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

User has gotten her third replacement monitor in as many months, so support tech checks it out - and finds water under the monitor, but no source of a leak. The next day, he's walking by and catches the user's new secretary in action. "I explained to her that watering a plant on top of any electronic equipment is a bad idea, and that maybe watering an artificial plant wasn't the best use of her time either."

A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

Another customer called Compaq Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What Power switch?"

True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show?" Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with that disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove disk one first.

Network admins decide all users should move their files to network folders. But after 15 minutes of copying, one user complains to support crew about how long it takes. Rep explains that she has lots of documents and a slow network connection, and all the other users are uploading files too. But user points to the Windows animation of documents floating from one folder to another and says, "Well, wouldn't it go faster if they just moved these two folders closer together on the screen?"

Instant Messenger Etiquette

Nowadays there are quite a few instant messenger programs that one can use to communicate with either family, friends, acquaintances or even co-workers. MSN Messenger, Yahoo, ICQ, AOL, Skype -- take your pick. For some, they've used instant messengers (IM) for quite some time that they learn IM etiquette from others or they wing it and learn on their own. After using IMs for some time now, you get used to the whole "language" used and when you see some who definitely are newbies, you can't help but smile and tell yourself "that one has a lot to learn." So, out of the kindness of my heart, I thought I'd give a few pointers on Instant Messenger Etiquette I found (with the help of someone) on some sites. Hopefully, after reading this, some of you will find it useful.
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Here are some basic etiquette points for instant messaging:

1) Use the “away” feature responsibly. Do not say you are “away” and leave your computer for two hours. You can be away for up to 10 minutes. More than that, you should log off.

2) Respond to comments within 1.5 minutes. If you take longer, other people participating will assume you are gone or you don’t care.

3) If you are in a group conversation and somebody else wants to be invited to join, ask the members of the group if it is ok to include this other person in the conversation. It is rude to impose somebody else’s presence on others.

4) If you use acronyms, make sure the people involved in the conversation know what they mean. Otherwise, your message could be misinterpreted.

5) Say “good bye” before you sign off.

6) Be careful of what you write in your instant messages. Conversations can be saved and used against you at any time. The document can be printed or forwarded to the wrong people. Keep that in mind.

7) Wait for your party’s response. Don’t send message after message asking for response.

8) Don’t type in CAPITALS. It is shouting and it is rude.

9) Use your judgement when you use emoticons. Some of them can be misinterpreted and the conversation can make the wrong turn.

10) If you are in a common room using a computer, turn the sound off to not disturb the others. This gesture is highly appreciated.

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Because of the newer versions of Instant Messengers, some have audibles which one can use for fun. Using it just for the hell of it is ANNOYING. Make sure that you use audibles appropriately.

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Here are more points in Instant Messenging from a Handbook found on the internet.

The Basics of Instant Messaging

The fundamentals of IM are easy to grasp. You simply type something up and hit return and the other person can read it and respond. But even something this simple can lead to confusion, especially when some people opt for acronyms that aren't widely known, think punctuation is largely unnecessary and try to make jokes that have to be explained.

When it comes to simply typing, there are basic rules:

• If you're a fast typist, who enjoys perfect punctuation and can keep up, by all means, let everyone know how fucking perfect you think you are.
  
  
• Typing in all lowercase is perfectly acceptable as a rule, since it's far more efficient and is largely used as the standard. Don't be a star -- be like everyone else.
  
  
• Never type complete thoughts in all caps, unless you want the person on the other end to think you're screaming at them. Yes, every once in a while, using all caps to stress something is fine, provided you DON'T go overboard.

The First Law of Instant Messenger: Instant Messenger is Not Real Communication.
The Second Law of Instant Messenger: Instant Messenger is Not a Venue for Sarcasm.
The Third Law of Instant Messenger: Emoticons Should Be Used Like Punctuation.
The Fourth Law of Instant Messenger: There's Nothing "Fine" About the Word "Fine."
The Fifth Law of Instant Messenger: Never Fight Over Instant Messenger.

I guess no matter which site you go to and read up on IM etiquette, they all pretty much say the same thing.