Laugh Break - No Sex Tonight

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Laugh Break - Airline A-hole

During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport, a crowded flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He SCREAMED, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention, please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

With the people behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airline agent, gritted his teeth, and swore, "Screw you."

Without flinching, she smiled and replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

Laugh Break - Natural Blind

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

Here's Your Sign

We were having a small earthquake the other day and my wife asked, "Is this an earthquake?" I said, "Nope. I just put a quarter in the vibrating house machine."

As I was lying on the beach in Hawaii, I heard a man a couple of yards away say to his wife, "You know, for all the tourists here, you don't see a lot of out-of-state license plates." I didn't have to say anything. I just handed him a Stupid sign.

My wife and I had just parked our car and were walking into a hotel for a New Year's Eve party when the doorman asked, "Are you going to celebrate the new year?" I said, "No, we're going to attend a wake for the old year."

When my wife was expecting our first child, a woman walked up to her and asked, "Oh, are you pregnant?" My wife said, "No, I'm practicing to smuggle basketballs into Cuba."

I took my family on a trip in an RV to Las Vegas, where it was 120 degrees. The guard at the RV park asked, "Will you be using your air conditioner?" I said, "No, ma'am, we just drove in from the face of the sun and we're trying to acclimate ourselves."

Source: Here's Your Sign by Bill Engvall

Laugh Break - The Elephant

This is truly an amazing story...

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.

While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could, he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenage son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, severely injuring him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant

Laugh Break - The Parrot

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Contact Lens

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

Laugh Break - Things to do in an Elevator

• When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
• Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
• Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
• Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
• Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
• Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
• Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
• Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
• Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
• Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
• Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
• Ask, "Did you feel that?"
• Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
• When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
• Swat at flies that don't exist.
• Tell people that you can see their aura.
• Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
• Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
• Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask,"Got enough air in there?"
• Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
• Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM," and back away slowly.
• Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
• Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
• Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
• Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
• Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."

Mommy and "Uncle Frank"

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"


OOPS!

All-Purpose Excuse Form Letter

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!

Dear:

a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) Love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,


Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) car
b) house
c) pet
d) espresso maker
e) left arm


was severely damaged by my

a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under-appreciated prank.


How could I have known that the

a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent-driven sledge
e) zamboni


I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

a) house,
b) wife,
c) Cub Scout troop,
d) 1/16th-sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
with torch-light,
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine.
b) fathom.
c) comprehend.
d) appreciate.
e) pay for.

And I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to

a) hate me.
b) sue me.
c) spank me.
d) take my firstborn.
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the
fish in your koi pond.

But I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at

a) school.
b) work.
c) church.
d) the bowling alley.
e) the municipal jail.

And to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend.
b) child.
c) sibling.
d) lease co-signer.
e) only possible match should you ever need a
bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that

a) was so stupid.
b) was so silly.
c) would have been funny if it worked.
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,

Me.

What were they thinking??

Being a travel consultant, you encounter all sorts of names. After hearing them, you end up wondering what their parents were thinking when they named their children. You'll see why..lol

Now, in the Philippines, having been under the Spanish rule for years, we've adapted the names commonly heard in Spain like Jose, Jesus, Maria, Cristina, Carmen, Rosario, etc etc etc.. In the provinces, I guess they preferred to be creative and original. I'm sure some of you have heard the name Luzviminda which could have the following nick names like, Luz or Minda. Actually Luzviminda is short for Luzon, Visayas and Mindanao... The three main islands of over 7000 that make up the archipelago. Luzviminda doesn't sound so bad. You'd know right away it's a female name. Here comes the "unusual" one. Just recently I had been talking to a lady who wanted to make some reservations for her relatives back home. She was making the reservation but her son (based in LAX) was going to make the payments. So in the course of making the reservation, I had put her as reference and had to put her son's name so that we had a contact in LAX. So I asked her for the son's name and she replied without taking a breath.. "Pantarphil for Paniqui, Tarlac Philippines" Now since she was talking fast, all I got was the Tarlac Philippines. So I said, "Ma'am, I need the name of your son, not where he's from". She said "it's Pantarphil! Short for Paniqui, Tarlac Philippines!". I was like,, ooooo k. I thought Luzviminda was already out there but Pantarphil??? Least we know he won't forget where he's from.. lol

A while back I had encountered more names. Last Name: De Jesus. Common last name used back home. Nothing unusual about that. Wait until you hear the first names --

Gandhi Maverick, India Nephilim and America Gabrielle

Yup. I'm serious. Those were their names. What were they thinking??? Don't they realize the effect on the kids when they get older? Course these three would probably have nick names that are completely way off of their actual names.

Speaking of nicknames... there are the common ones like, Lizzie short from Elizabeth, or Stephie short for Stephanie, Malou or Marilou from Maria Lourdes, Rosie from Rosemarie to name a few. Again, in the Philippines, they have to be different..lol

Baby is a common nickname. The name they have on their birth certificate could be Zenaida, Consolacion or Rosalinda. Who knows why they prefer to be called Baby. And of course, there's Jun Jun, Jing Jing, Bebot, Bing, Jong, Tet, and the list goes on.. what could their real names be?

So for those of you that are in the process of having a baby, please give them names that they can be proud of. Something that won't give them a hard time when they get to school. And if you decide to coin names together, at least make it something pleasant and not something that sounds like it was from outer space. But that's just my 2 cents on that.

Man's Remote

Found this while stumbling upon...

Tenor Pavarotti Dies

LONDON - Luciano Pavarotti, the Italian tenor, whose name has been synonymous with the word "opera" for people across the world died on Thursday.

News of his death at the age of 71 from cancer dominated news headlines across the world, reflecting the huge popularity of the singer, thought to be one of the most successful performers in the classical world. He died in his home town of Modena in Italy, which said it would be naming a theater in his honor. The Vienna Opera House, where Pavarotti delivered to many a packed house, raised a black flag as a mark of respect.

Pavarotti who has sang at leading opera houses across the world, will perhaps be best remembered as one of the three tenors--also including Placido Domingo and Jose Carreras. Their numerous performances of operatic favorites such as "Nessun Dorma" may have raised the hackles of some opera puritans, but helped popularize a form of music that has been struggling to appeal to wider audiences.

"Through his countless broadcasts, recordings and concerts he introduced the extraordinary power of opera to people who perhaps would never have encountered opera and classical singing, in doing so he enriched their lives," said London's Royal Opera House.

"He brought arts performance to people who don't go to opera house. None of the classical singers have had the ability and courage to do that," said Hong Kong tenor Warren Mok.

Pavarotti's operatic career began at a very young age, encouraged by his music family. His father was a baker, but sang regularly in performances in his spare time, and in later years appeared aside his son in concerts, including at the Metropolitan Opera House in New York. .

By his mid twenties Pavarotti had built up quite a following in his home country, but it was his performance at the Royal Opera House in 1963 that catapulted him to international fame. He was brought in by the prestigious opera house to stand in for Giuseppe di Stefano, a famous Sicilian tenor, and ended up delivering most of the performances of Rodolfo in La Boheme. During that period a performance he delivered at the London Palladium was broadcast on British television, and is said to have been watched by millions.

Throughout his career Pavarotti retained a special affection for the Royal Opera House and regularly returned to deliver performances, the last being in 2002, when he performed despite the death of his mother just days before.

Ron Freedman, who was chief wig and make up master at the Royal Opera House during almost all of Pavarotti's performances there, remembered him as a singer who was always very at ease with himself, even just before performances. Talking to Forbes.com about his numerous encounters with the singer, he remembered how remarkably relaxed the singer was often before performances, once playing the piano while his father sang, on another instance wolfing down a bowl of pasta before a concert. He would often apply his own make up - something that is perhaps rather unexpected from a person of his standing.

"He knew his capabilities and was confident about how he approached a role," said Freedman. "That makes life for a singer so much easier."

Adding to Pavarotti's appeal was his rather ebullient personality--which came across strongly during his performances and his personal interactions. His ability to sing with great personality and emotion made him ideally suited to lead roles in some of the Italian greats such as Verdi and Puccini, though he also regularly sang others including Strauss and Mozart. He delivered his last public performance, of "Nessun Dorma," at the Winter Olympics in Turin, Italy in 2006.

"The whole world will be listening today to his voice on every radio and television station. And that will continue. And that is his legacy. He will never stop," said conductor Zubin Mehta, who directed Pavarotti for several "Three Tenors" concerts.

The Associated Press contributed to this report.
Source: The Forbes.com

More Travel agent stories

I've posted a few of my personal experiences as a travel consultant. I came across this on the internet. Now I feel good coz there are others that have experienced stuff similar if not different from what I've experienced. Happy Reading!

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

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