Here's Your Sign

We were having a small earthquake the other day and my wife asked, "Is this an earthquake?" I said, "Nope. I just put a quarter in the vibrating house machine."

As I was lying on the beach in Hawaii, I heard a man a couple of yards away say to his wife, "You know, for all the tourists here, you don't see a lot of out-of-state license plates." I didn't have to say anything. I just handed him a Stupid sign.

My wife and I had just parked our car and were walking into a hotel for a New Year's Eve party when the doorman asked, "Are you going to celebrate the new year?" I said, "No, we're going to attend a wake for the old year."

When my wife was expecting our first child, a woman walked up to her and asked, "Oh, are you pregnant?" My wife said, "No, I'm practicing to smuggle basketballs into Cuba."

I took my family on a trip in an RV to Las Vegas, where it was 120 degrees. The guard at the RV park asked, "Will you be using your air conditioner?" I said, "No, ma'am, we just drove in from the face of the sun and we're trying to acclimate ourselves."

Source: Here's Your Sign by Bill Engvall