Computer Stupidities: Hardware Abuse

Some of the things people do to computers is downright painful.

Recently, I got a call from someone who turned off his computer whenever he found himself somewhere in Windows he didn't want to be. "I just turn it off when I don't like where I am," he said. Wonder of all wonders, scandisk found a score of lost allocation units and bad sectors.

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An man purchased a laptop from me. He called about a week later and said that it would no longer boot up. He brought it in, and I discovered that sixteen nicely drilled holes were in the bottom of the case. I asked him about it, and he said the machine was too hot sitting on his lap, so he had drilled these "air holes."

"Could that be the problem?" he asked.

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* Customer: "I need a new modem."
* Tech Support: "What's wrong with your current modem?"
* Customer: "The Internet light is not on."
* Tech Support: "Did you reset your modem recently?"
* Customer: "Yes I did, but what does it have to do with it?"
* Tech Support: "Well, resetting the modem wipes out your configuration profile, so we just need to reconfigure it."
* Customer: "Did you not hear me? The modem is broken, and I demand a replacement now!"
* Tech Support: "The modem is not broken. If you are willing to, we can configure it in about 2 minutes."
* Customer: "I want a new modem!"
* Tech Support: "We can't replace modems over a simple reconfiguration issue. All we have to do--"

CRASH.

* Customer: "Now it's broke! Replace the thing already!"
* Tech Support: "Ok sir, we cannot replace a modem that you destroyed, and your modem is past warranty, so you'll have to buy a new one anyway."
* Customer: "!*#$(*@#%!@&#$&*(!@#*$!@*^!@#$@" (Click.)

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I work in a call center for a large cell phone company that sells PDAs with phone functionality. I got a call from a customer who said her stylus had broken. I offered to transfer her to customer care, where they could order her out a pack of styluses. She said no, the phone had gotten "messed up." I asked what was wrong with it, and she said that when the stylus had broken, she'd tried to superglue it back together, then put it back in the slot before the glue had dried, and it got stuck in the phone. So she tried to take it out with a hammer and chisel.

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A customer came into the store one day to return an internal modem, which he had purchased a few days earlier. He complained that it would not work. I took the modem out of the package and could scarcely believe my eyes.

The card had been filed down to about half its original size.

* Tech Support: "Why has this card been filed?"
* Customer: "The modem didn't fit in the slot, so I had to file it till it would fit."

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• Customer: "Hi, I was wondering if you could fix my laptop. It's under warranty."
• Tech Support: "What seems to be the trouble with it?"
• Customer: "My wife got mad and threw it in the pool."

Adult Playground

I bet some of you can relate to this one..lol

The Cabbie and the Nun

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party."

Until further notice...